This episode bravely answers the question, “is there an episode of Say Yes To The Dress” where literally nobody says yes to a dress? There is, and it’s this one.
This episode is very heavily focused on the alterations department at Kleinfeld’s, which is partially why we don’t see anyone buy a dress. Elise explains to us that upstairs at Kleinfeld’s – the sales floor – is a fantasy. Downstairs in alterations, however, is what Elise delicately refers to as “the pit of hell.”
There are a total of five alterations brides in this episode, but I’m really only going to focus on two of them. The other three have so little time on screen that you can literally blink and you’ll miss them. I’m not going to dedicate a whole section to our first bride, Hanna Fox (the time it would take me to write it would be twice as long as her total air-time on the show) but I have to show you her dress.
What in the bridal-meets-Western-saloon girl is this.
The first alterations bride that we really learn about is Lisa Marino, who has traveled from Montreal for her first fitting. This is her mom’s first time seeing the dress, since she didn’t get to be there when Lisa purchased it, and emotions are running high.
Lisa tells us that her fiancé is a fashion buyer and probably would have picked a less-poofy dress for her, but she ignored that and picked whatever she wanted. I love this for Lisa. Too many brides on this show twist themselves into knots over what they think their fiancé wants to see them in. Ladies, I promise you he does not give a shit.
Anyways, Lisa picks a very simple dress. The bodice is fine, but honestly what kind of choke-hold did that kind of bubble skirt have on us, collectively, in 2007? Why do you want to look like you’re wearing a rumpled-up taffeta sheet?
Our next alterations bride is Jordana Marcus, who has arrived ready to throw a fit over the color of her dress.
Allegedly, Jordana’s dress was ordered in white, but arrived in ivory (according to her). If you think that there is no difference between white and ivory, welcome to bridal. There is a massive difference. In the single shot that they show of Jordana’s dress, I can kind of see her point, but I honestly think it’s just the fluorescent lighting in the dressing room.
This whole thing gets escalated to Elise, who looks like she would rather be anyone else than in alterations. She brings Jordana up to the bridal floor to show her what the fabric looks like in white, and they compare the fabric to her dress. Spoiler: they are exactly the same. Jordana keeps insisting that it can’t be white, because the lace is so much brighter than the satin, and Elise has to explain that the lace is made from cotton and is therefore a brighter white.
They end up sending the dress back and ordering a new one in a “whiter white.”
The last alterations bride worth talking about doesn’t even appear on the show (they show her with her face blurred out). Allegedly the bride ordered a size 4 instead of a size 2, and threw such a fit when it was too big that she slapped alterations manager Vera. And then her mother slapped the bride! The true nerve of this bride, oh my god. Imagine slapping Vera!
So Vera goes upstairs and explains the situation to Elise, who is horrified. Elise then tells Joan, who makes this face:
Same.
Elise is prepared to kick the entire family out and refund their money, but when she goes downstairs the mother has broken down into hysterical crying and the entire situation ends up resolved off camera (?) with everyone going home happy.
The bulk of this episode is devoted to Lisa Grossman, who is here to buy her wedding dress. She has brought her mom, two friends, and her wedding planner Mary. We don’t get an Informative Graphic about Lisa’s budget, wedding, or fiancé – and that is because Mary takes the appointment over completely and sucks all the air out of the room.
Keasha is tasked with handling this crowd, but things start to go downhill almost immediately. Lisa isn’t really sure what kind of dress she wants, which is the first red flag that this appointment is headed downhill. She describes her dream dress as “simple… not too puffy, no lace, something that’s kind of tighter on top and poofy on the bottom.” Lisa has brought pictures from Brides magazine, and Keasha takes them to the stockroom to start pulling dresses.
Almost immediately, SYTTD makes it clear that Mary is the villain of this appointment. Immediately after Keasha leaves the room, she starts telling Lisa that they can change literally anything about any dress that she doesn’t like. As it turns out, Mary used to work at Kleinfeld’s and therefore believes she can take control of Keasha’s appointment and go wherever she wants in the store.
Mary has negative self-awareness, and tells us that she likes to play devils-advocate with her brides, which apparently means pulling all different styles of dresses including stuff Lisa has explicitly said she doesn’t like. Keasha knows that the appointment has gotten completely out of control by this point. Not only has the appointment gone long, but they literally have 20 minutes until they need to be out of the store so the staff can do inventory.
Every time Mary brings more dresses into the dressing room, Keasha makes this face. Lisa is more confused than ever, with zero idea of what she wants, and leaves without buying anything. She makes another appointment with Keasha, but I’m guessing that she doesn’t buy a dress as long as Mary gets to help her pick it out.
I think Mary bothers me in the same way that Claudia did in the last episode. I don’t mind dramatic entourage’s or family members, but her complete incompetence while insisting that she’s an expert is hard to watch. I really feel for Lisa, who had a pretty specific vision of what she wanted in a dress and has completely lost touch with that. Ideally, Mary should be focusing on what Lisa wants, but instead she’s steamrolling her at every turn.
So there we have it. An episode of SYTTD where literally no one says yes. Multiple brides leave empty-handed.
Final Score:
- Entourage that uniformly hates the dresses – +3 points
- Nightmare wedding planner – +4 points
- Manager intervention – +5 points
- Someone slapped Vera??!! – -2 points
Total: 10/100
See you next time. Bye beautiful!
