This is a deeply strange episode of Say Yes To The Dress. There are five brides, two cop fiancés, only two bridal moments, and zero informative dress graphics. I’m not sure what was going on at TLC back in 2008 but there is zero continuity between episodes of this show! I really want to credit the designers, but I guess they were still figuring this formula out.
We’ve got five brides to get through, so let’s get into it.
First up, we have Janice, who is marrying a cop named Steve. She’s brought him to the appointment, along with her parents and a couple of other people that we don’t get to meet. She gets paired with Dianne, my favorite consultant, and she’s looking for a fit and flare dress that is “sexy but not slutty.” Janice, let’s not invite slut-shaming into this appointment.
She and Steve met online – remember, this was 2008, that was unusual – but they were apparently in the same circle of friends for 15 years. Janice’s whole thing is that she’s not a “dress girl.” She’s a biker, with a full sleeve of tattoos that she’s looking to show off, and already I love her.
Dianne has correctly identified Janice as a “Pnina Tornai girl.” However, the feedback from the family is that this dress doesn’t have enough glitz or beadwork. If this were several seasons from now they would be asking for wow factor.
Janie doesn’t like this one either and she’s right.
One of the things that I love about Dianne is that not only is she good at her job, she gets genuine joy out of helping brides find their gowns. Pictured is Dianne “lacing her up like Scarlett O’Hara,” in a Pnina Tornai that gets a LOT of screen time in this show. Janice has a genuine bridal moment and so does her mom!
I just love this photo.
This is very sweet. Even Mara comes out of the cave that she hides in to assist and experience genuine emotion on camera. Thank god they leave my enemy Ronnie wherever he hangs on when he isn’t being creepy on camera.
Meanwhile, Camille is trying to close a $12,000 sale when Joan very rudely tells her that she is 30 minutes late to another appointment.
Camille goes over to Pnina’s table to bitch about how she is very rudely being asked to do her job. Listen, I love a stitch’n’bitch with the best of them, but ma’am you are on television and I can’t do another incompetent salesperson storyline.
Despite her best abilities, Camille goes to her next appointment with Christina Han, a Brazilian bride with a $1,800 budget.
Christina hasn’t been able to find a dress that she likes back in Brazil, so her fiancé – who is never named – told her to come to New York. Frankly I don’t think she’s getting married, but that’s none of my business.
She brought her sister, and she’s looking for “beautiful cleavage,” lace, and beading.
I refuse to believe this is not a dress you couldn’t get in Brazil.
Believe it or not, this is a different dress.
Christina and her sister like both dresses. They give this incredibly convoluted explanation for needing to take photos of the dresses. Camille patiently explains that is not allowed unless you purchase a dress, which is to protect the designers from having their work all over the internet. Were we ever so young?
Camille leaves the two girls unattended to check on her $12,000 bride and comes back to find the dressing room door locked, They are absolutely taking photos. To no one’s surprise, they leave without buying anything and never come back.
We’ve got Natasha next, and she’s paired with the ever-competent Audrey. Natasha describes her fiancé as, “if you had to look up metrosexual in the dictionary, his picture would be right there.” Okay! The theme of her wedding is “old Hollywood.”
Turns out that Natasha’s mom is very conservative and this is 100% too much cleavage for her. Natasha’s entourage – which includes her mom, mother-in-law, sister, and niece – want her to look more bridal.
Sure.
Everyone agrees that the only good part about this is the back of the dress.
This dress… is also not a winner with the entourage. Everyone agrees that Natasha has found a designer she really likes, but not necessarily a dress, and she leaves empty handed.
FINALLY at the end of a long and VERY MEDIOCRE EPISODE do we reach our fifth and final bride. Michelle is 22 years old, 4’11” and ALSO engaged to a cop. She got engaged while her parents were getting divorced, which seems like a super normal way to get engaged. Michelle has brought her mom, her best friend, and her sister. None of them really have opinions so we can ignore them for now.
She wants to look elegant, without too much floral or tulle, and she’s looking for a fit and flare dress.
Keisha puts her in this mermaid dress first, and everyone loves the shape on Michelle but they also want to see her in a ballgown.
The dress is wearing her. Keisha diplomatically describes this dress as “beautiful in its own way,” which is a devastating critique that I am saving for my next designer meeting.
Look at Michelle’s face!!! This is the face of a woman having a bridal moment. This is the best part of this stupid show. Everyone loves it. I love it.
What a strange episode. Five brides but only two bridal moments! TLC, I am begging you to get some more continuity.
Final Score:
- Designer Cameo – + 5 points for Pnina Tornai
- Entourage of 5+ people – +3 points
- Bride wants to look sexy – +3 points (+2 for Natasha’s conservative mom)
- Bride has a “bridal moment” – +5 for Michelle, +5 for Janice.
Total Score: 23/100
Bye beautiful! See you next time!
