Ladies, if I can impart some wisdom onto you, it’s this: if you are ever tempted to refer to a man as “the greatest person I’ve ever met in my entire life,” take a step back and really consider what you’re saying. Men – currently in their flop era – are almost never worthy of these accolades unless their names are Mookie Betts. Frankly, I feel like the odds of that are quite low.
Here’s the thing about new consultants on this show: they’re always trying to do too much. Carmel, introduced earlier this season, is a classic example of this phenomenon. Carmel led off by saying that she only works with “high end brides” and absolutely thinks she is hot shit.
TLC (and more likely, Joan) is here to humble her. She’s been paired with Jasleen, who is determined to give her a challenge.
Our girl Jasleen here is the one who introduced her fiancé as, “the greatest person I’ve ever met in my entire life.” No offense to Kevin, but I doubt that.
Jasleen has a $2,000 budget. Already Carmel is outside of her comfort zone. In addition, Jasleen is Indian and she’s looking for a red dress for her wedding. Specifically: deep burgundy with silver or gold embroidery. Carmel starts the appointment by saying that there’s no chance they find the dress. Love her optimism!
These are the dresses that Carmel puts her in (both dresses allegedly come in red.) Jasleen isn’t impressed by Dress #1, and Carmel convinces her to push the budget up to $5,000 for Dress #2. This one isn’t bad, and Carmel goes to grab the fabric swatch so they can see what the red would look like.
Guess who Carmel runs into.
DRINK! Pnina Tornai has crawled out of the cave they keep her trapped in, hidden deep in Kleinfeld’s basement, and she is pissed off. Pnina is convinced that Jasleen’s dress is a ripoff of one of her designs.
She asks Carmel what the budget is, and is off and running when she hears, “$5,000.”
Pnina snatches a dress of her own rack and says, “tell her I will make this for her without the pearls for $5,000.” I have never seen Pnina so animated in all my years watching this stupid show. She is getting beautiful revenge on this designer, Carmel is getting a sale, and Jasleen is getting a sweet, sweet deal.
Pictured: Pnina’s Revenge Dress.
Alrighty, next we’ve got consultant Sarah with a true handful of a bride.
Nancy has shown up with her “gang of gays” – her words, not mine – and is looking for a dress with straps and not a lot of cleavage. Sarah can’t decide if the group is actually here to try on dresses or get off some jokes and I can’t decide either.
The guys names are Josh, Willy, and Matt. For our purposes, the only name you need to remember is Josh, in the yellow sweater.
I’ll show you Nancy’s dresses in a second, but this is what Josh is wearing when she comes out in The Dress:
Sir, WHAT! I can’t believe Joan is entertaining this! She is normally Anti-Nonsense!
Anyways, the guys get their jokes off about the first two dresses that Nancy tries on, and then they all fall in love with Dress #3:
She’s very cute, but yeah, Dress #3 is the move.
Last, we have consultant Camille, our lady of lipliner, with bride Marissa.
I just need to get this out of the way immediately: Marissa’s fiancé Jed is a Nathan Fielder character. He comes to the appointment and is immediately the most stilted human being I have ever seen in my life. It’s like he’s being operated by an alien with a vague grasp of what human beings are like.
Anyways, Jed’s entire… situation… isn’t the only red flag going on here. Marissa says that she is extremely reluctant to go wedding dress shopping, which is strange because she had to, “bang Jed over the head to get married.” When Camille asks her how she envisions herself on her wedding day she just says, “anxious.”
Perhaps… don’t get married. I’m just spitballing here.
Marissa feels very neutrally about basically every wedding dress. About halfway through the appointment, Randy shows up with a dress he pulled for her, and she does not put it on. Two episodes in a row now that Randy has misread the room!
Camille finally finds a dress for Marissa that seems to inspired excitement about her impending nuptials, in Dress #3 (below.)
I know it’s because Marissa was aggressively ambivalent about this entire thing but I just can’t get excited about any of these. She looks nice and I’m happy for her but jeez.
Final Score:
- Entourage of 5+ people: +3 points
- Nightmare Bridesmaid: +4 points for JOSH
- Designer Cameo: +5 points
- Bride has a “bridal moment”: +5 for Marissa, +5 for Jasleen, +5 for Nancy
- Pnina Tornai designs a custom gown: +5 points
- Bride goes $1,000+ over her budget: +7 points
Total: 39/100
Bye beautiful! Don’t let Pnina Tornai keep you up at night!
