SYTTD: S2, E9 – “Grooms in Gowns”

Let me just get this out of the way: despite the title of this episode, there is only one groom and zero grooms in gowns.

Here in the tulle and beaded hellscape of Kleinfeld’s, what we do have is an extremely weird mother/daughter dynamic that hints at a full novel of dysfunction and co-dependence between them. We only get a glimpse into the horrors of their relationship.

So this is Caley. She describes herself as a “follower” and is already anxious about pleasing her mother, future mother-in-law, and what sounds like an incredibly picky fiancé. Caley is having a black-tie wedding and she’s looking for a white strapless ballgown with a cathedral train. Her fiancé Eric has explicitly told her that he does not want anything overly jeweled and that it has to be white. Eric does not make an appearance in this episode but lingers over like a spectre, haunting my nightmares.

Caley describes her mom as “so special” and says they are “best friends.” Caley’s mom immediately has a breakdown when consultant Dianne doesn’t let her into the dressing room with her daughter. She spends a full minute – already crying – telling the future mother-in-law that she “always has to be with her when she gets dressed.” Let me remind you that Caley is a grown adult.

Caley’s future mother-in-law is making this face during this monologue and you can just sense how much she wants to tell her to shut the fuck up.

These are the dresses that Dianne pulls for her. Caley and her entourage love the first dress, but Caley is increasingly anxious that it’s “too much beading” and “Eric will hate this.” Her future mother-in-law, the only sane person at this appointment, reminds Caley that she isn’t picking out Eric’s suit, and who cares what he thinks. Exactly!

Dress #2 is roundly rejected for having “too much bling” (which you can barely see in this photo, who are these people) and Dress #3 is rejected for making her torso look too long. Sure!

Dianne brings Caley’s mom into the dressing room to put Dress #1 back on so she doesn’t have a meltdown and Caley falls in love with the gown all over again. When she comes back out, Dianne asks her, “are you saying yes to the dress?” This is the first time this phrase every actually appears on the show!

Let’s see the Informative Graphic:

Lovely.

Next we’ve got Jennifer, who I like very much, and she’s paired with consultant Sarah. She’s brought her fiancé AJ, her mom, and her maid of honor. Jennifer is a plus-sized bride and she has a lot of anxiety about finding a dress that will fit her body and make her feel good. She tells Sarah that she doesn’t want “puff” and she’s looking for something to cover her body up.

Sarah, talking to the camera, says that she understands the urge to cover your body but she wants to nudge Jennifer towards something that will flatter her shape more.

So here are the dresses. Everyone loves Dress #1 (AJ refers to this as “elegant cleavage.”) Remember when those puckered skirts were in style? 2008 was such a wild time. The shape of Dress #2 is rejected, and the excess bling on Dress #3 makes it a no-go. Everyone hates Dress #4 and calls it the “cake dress.”

Jennifer doesn’t find any other dresses that she likes, so they go back to the first dress and she immediately starts crying and kissing her fiancé. Honestly, they are very cute. It’s clear that he loves her very much and is extremely excited to marry her. Usually when a groom appears on the show I hate him, but I find AJ very sweet.

I’m happy for them. Sarah says this was one of the easiest appointments she’s ever had and I believe her.

Finally, we’ve got an alterations bride.

Gina purchased her $12,700 Pnina Tornai gown eight months ago, and in the meantime she’s “had her boobs done.” I fully recognize that my taste is not universal, but wow this dress is ugly.

This is the platonic ideal of a Pnina Tornai dress. Gina says that she wanted bling – obviously – and she brought her grandmother Rosie to her appointment, because Rosie is her style icon.

I would pay money to go to lunch with Rosie and listen to her life story. This photo doesn’t show all of the jewels she is wearing (I couldn’t get a screenshot that wasn’t extremely blurry) but she is an ICON.

Pnina shows up, because of course she does, to talk about customizations with Gina. I am once again asking where they keep Pnina locked up in Kleinfeld’s She says that she’s only here one day a month but I strongly believe that is a lie.

In between the brides, we get some Store Logistics™ about what happens to dresses when the wedding is called off. Essentially, if the dress is in production, the bride forfeits her deposit and she can choose if she wants to take the dress or just leave it at Kleinfeld’s. My enemy Ronnie let’s us know that 99 out of 100 times they leave the dress.

I will leave you all with the epic heights of Gina’s wedding hair and we’ll get to the final score.

Final Score:

• Designer Cameo – +5 points
• Bridal Moment! – +5 for Jennifer, +5 for Caley
• Pnina Tornai customizes a gown – +5 points
• Bride has an incredibly specific vision – +3 points
• I don’t hate the groom – +5 points

Total: 28/100

Bye beautiful!