SYTTD: S2, E7 – “Runaway Bridal”

Full disclosure: there is an early-aughts men’s facial hair reveal that gave me a full body shiver at the end of the episode. How did we as a society allow goatee sculpting to get this out of hand? I won’t spoil too much but it’s giving most homophobic uncle at your southern family funeral. Speaking from experience.

HOWEVER, that is somehow not the theme of this episode. We open on a “store meeting” that is absolutely not staged to introduce the “theme” of the episode. Dorothy chats with the staff about navigating family dynamics and what to do if a bride is being overwhelmed with opinions. This definitely bodes well for the brides today!

Our first bride today is Lauren, and she is paired with my favorite consultant Camille. Lauren is a third grade teacher from New Jersey and she’s having a big Catholic wedding with a country club reception. Her fiancé proposed to her on a CRUISE SHIP and my immediate thought was that he is trying to kill her at sea and she needs to run. I blame his facial hair. It is extremely unsettling.

Please note that her budget is unlimited. That’s because her aunt, Marisa, is footing the bill.

Yeah, this is definitely not a woman with extremely strong opinions and the ability to rip you apart using her words like sharpened knives.

Lauren has a very specific idea of the kind of dress that she wants. She’s looking for something simple – but not too simple – and elegant but not too “frou frou.” She thinks a ballgown is too much and wants an a-line dress. Unfortunately for Lauren, her mother, aunt, and future mother-in-law all want to see her in a ballgown. Lauren strikes me as the kind of person with the moral backbone of a soufflé and Camille is not the kind of consultant to back her up, so a ballgown seems imminent.

Absolutely no one likes this dress, including Lauren. Her entire entourage starts nit-picking the fabric, which is EXTREMELY ugly. This screenshot does not do it justice, but to me it looks like a heavy silk faille that was extremely popular around 2008 and I support their hatred of it. Also, the stupid brooch on her hip is ugly. Lauren thinks this dress is “too simple” and wants more “crystal work.” Camille is my favorite, because she’s sitting there the entire time smirking. We both know this bitch is not going to end up in a simple a-line dress.

Okay, so here’s Lauren’s next dress. Her mom like it’s, because it’s “traditional,” but Aunt Marisa doesn’t think it’s “hip” enough and compares it to wedding dresses from the 80s. Has this woman seen dresses from the 80s??? This isn’t taffeta! I don’t see huge bows or puffy sleeves! The most offensive thing I can say about this dress is that it is BORING.

To absolutely no ones surprise – except the mother-in-law, who appears to have been on a different planet for the rest of this appointment – Lauren decides that okayyyyy she’ll try a ballgown. Camille has been waiting for this moment and already has a dress pulled. Have I mentioned I love her? Camille would eviscerate me verbally and I would probably thank her.

This wrinkled satin is killing me, but basically everyone starts crying. Lauren’s jaw fully drops when she sees it and when she puts it on?? It’s a bridal moment!

Moving on. Dorianne Rivera is paired with consultant Sarah. Dorianne knows exactly what she wants and she has come armed with printouts.

Dorianne has been with her fiancé since she was 16 years old. Ma’am! Don’t marry someone you’ve known for that long! Bride number 3 is a cautionary tale!!!!!! (we’re getting to her.)

Dorianne is having a traditional ceremony. She’s converted to Islam for her fiancé, so she’s looking for something that has sleeves and isn’t too revealing or tight. She loves lace. Dorianne’s mom is at her appointment and this is a Big Deal since her mom is in the military and has missed out on basically all of Dorianne’s milestones.

So far, I find this mostly very sweet. Dorianne’s mom seems like a nice lady who wants to support her daughter and wants to be here for the big moments. Dorianne smartly does not bring a huge entourage to her appointment. She (thinks) she has a clear idea of what she wants for her dress. This is moving in a good direction!

Oh no. Burn it in a fire. This is a Forever 21 going on top married to a homemade prom skirt from 2006 and I hate it.

This dress is straight from Dorianne’s printouts and I think we can all agree that it should have stayed there.

I actually think is is fine. Dorianne, however, doesn’t like the jewels or the neckline. Fair enough!

This is another dress from the printouts, and Dorianne likes it. But HERE is where the mom loses me! She calls is horrible and gross!

MA’AM THAT IS YOUR DAUGHTER AND YOU ARE ON NATIONAL TELEVISION!!!!!!

Also, 100% of the mom’s complaints are related to fit. Are they aware that Dorianne’s actual dress will be tailored? Sarah is starting to sense the sale slipping away and she suddenly thinks of a *completely *different *dress to pull

*exactly *the *same.

I did not get a good photo of Dorianne in this because she and her mom pretty much start crying immediately. Yep, it’s lacy, it has cap sleeves, it’s tight. It’s $1700 over budget. Of COURSE it’s Pnina. But the mom is going to make it work!!

We take a little hiatus from the brides to follow my enemy Ronnie, Mara, Dorothy, Elise, and Randy as they go to “bridal market week.” Dorothy gives us the low-down on the drive to their “close personal friend” Reem Acra. Ronnie loves everything. Elise is there to give her opinion on what is sellable. Randy is there… because he’s fashion director? Dorothy says that ultimately she and Mara make the decisions and I believe her.

Unfortunately for team Bridal Market Week, Reem Acra has lost their damn minds (I’m paraphrasing here.) Technically, yes, they are showing you models wearing wedding dresses. However, they have chosen to accessorize said models like CIRCUS CLOWNS. So you CANNOT EVEN SEE THE DRESSES.

Elise is not amused. Dorothy is already re-scheduling for a showing where they can see the actual clothes.

What is even going on here.

Randy is AGHAST and for once I am in agreement.

The funniest part of this entire sequence is Mara, who inexplicably turns into a mom at Disney World, and is having a great time. Ronnie is in the back, probably looking for someone to sexually harass.

Back at Kleinfeld’s, our third bride is named Deb and her wedding ceremony is taking place in 2 months.

Deb is very concerned that she is going to have to cancel her wedding. Why, you might ask? Oh because she’s still married! And waiting for her divorce to finalize! Meanwhile she and her fiancé already have an eight month old baby!

Deb is bringing drama to this show and thank god for that. When I turn on TLC I am looking for mess and this is what I am talking about. Since her wedding is allegedly happening in two months, Deb is forced to choose from the sample dresses that are already in stock.

A fun fact about Deb is that her first marriage was to her high school sweetheart! I wish Deb and Dorianne could meet so that Dorianne could perhaps make some more informed decisions about the rest of her life, but unfortunately Deb seems to be a chaos spirit that appears only to antagonize the nice ladies in Kleinfeld’s alterations department.

Yeah, this dress is also ugly.

Randy decides to intervene. As Randy says, “sometimes I can look at a bride and know the dress for her. And I usually nail it on the head.” I’m excited for Randy to pivot from being bitchy to being supportive.

It’s so fascinating to me that he built a brand as being an incredibly loving and supportive person but his introduction on the show is positioned as a bitchy, fashion-forward disruptor to Kleinfeld’s old-fashioned workplace. I think Randy was trying to turn himself into a ‘personality’ when he was cast on the show, and – at the time – the only gay men on reality television fit into a very specific archetype. It seems like that is what Randy is trying to emulate.

It’s difficult to try and parse out which Randy is closer to who he actually is – is he as kind and sweet as he comes across later? I’m inclined to believe that is a little closer to who he really is. But who knows!

In this specific instance, Randy does in fact pull the perfect dress for our messy bride Deb.

Yep, we’re back in the weird haunted room where they put the dresses.

Here are some dress specs:

That’s all folks. It’s been ten months since I did one of these and it’s a lot of work! But it’s in pursuit of the DATA.

Final Score:

• Entourage that uniformly hates the dresses – +3 points
• Designer Cameo! – + 5 points
• Bride has a “bridal moment” – +5 for Lauren, +5 for Deb, +5 for Dorianne
• Bride needs a dress is under 2 months – +7 points
• Bride starts with a specific vision and goes another direction – + 8 points
• Bride goes $1K+ over budget – +7 points
• Bride has a budget over $10,000 – +10 points

Total Score: 55/10

Bye beautiful! Until next time! Don’t let Lauren’s husband’s wedding day facial hair keep you up tonight!