SYTTD: S1, E5, Pt. 1 – To Buy or Not to Buy

Once again, I am forced to talk about Claudia. I get it. Say Yes To The Dress has decided to focus on the tension between their worst consultant and her manager’s attempts to fix her. This show devoted almost half of this episode to Claudia’s antics during her second meeting with Mara, Joan, and Elise as they try to give her feedback and she once again refuses to listen. I really hate that this is turning out to be a season-long story line, especially since I am almost positive she isn’t going to get fired, but fine. I will talk about Claudia.

The Claudia Curse extends to this episode, where we once again do not see a single bride say yes to the dress. How does she manage to suck the air out of every room when we never see her in an appointment? Is she a witch, sent here to curse me specifically?

Alright, let’s talk about brides. Karah Osland has traveled from Buffalo to come to Kleinfeld’s for her dress, and she has brought her fiancé along for this appointment. Her consultant Debbie does a great job of masking her face when she realizes this, and bravely leads them all into the showroom.

Karah’s mom informs us that Karah met her fiancé online, and they became engaged after dating for only two months. I will remind all of you that this aired in 2007 – before dating apps were common and before you could stalk someone on social media to make sure they weren’t a serial killer. Their wedding is planned for only six months after the engagement. Karah’s mom is resigned to this, even though pretty much everyone in the family has been telling Karah that she should slow down and asking her if she’s sure she wants to do this.

I feel like that context is important for the appointment! Martin is a very opinionated fiancé. Karah wants something simple and strapless for their outdoor wedding, and Martin is very tied to the romantic idea of her wearing a white dress while she walks down the aisle. As much as I hate agreeing with a man, he does say that the only thing he really hates are when dresses look like a “crumpled piece of paper.” I have to agree, I hate those dresses too. Damn it, Martin!

Karah falls in love with the first dress that Debbie pulls for her, a very pretty ivory lace gown. Martin is nitpicky about the fit, apparently not understanding how alterations work, and Karah tries on a couple of more gowns before going back to the original lace dress. Martin redeems himself slightly by saying that she looks gorgeous in everything when Karah asks what he thinks of the dress. That’s not what she asked you, Martin! Just say you like the damn dress!

Unfortunately, we don’t get to find out if Karah said yes to the dress, because this episode is more interested in telling us how bad Claudia is at her job than living up to the literal premise of the show. I’m going to assume that she did, but that’s between Karah and Debbie, I guess.

Next up, we have an alterations bride. Kim is marrying her hairdresser, after spending most of her life telling people that she was never going to get married or have kids. Relatable! Kim justifies her large dress budget by telling us that she owns her own business as an interior designer and paid for her own dress, and she’s extraordinarily chill about alterations.

We get to meet Nicole during Kim’s appointment. She only shows up for a minute, but Nicole stays with Kleinfeld’s for a very long time and plays a much more prominent role later on, so it felt worth pointing out.

Here is Kim’s dress. We don’t get a credit for it, but I would bet money that this is Pnina Tornai. There are very few things that Pnina loves more than a crumpled taffeta sheet hastily wrapped around a see-through lace corset. It’s practically her calling card.

Our last alterations bride is Melissa, who has brought her twin sister and her mom to her fitting. Melissa has a complete meltdown about the hem of her dress, which she thinks is uneven (speaking professionally here, it is not) and the fact that her “French-American bustle” looks like “two butt cheeks.”

First of all, here’s a brief lesson on bridal bustles. A French bustle is when you tuck the train of the skirt up under itself and an American bustle is when you hook the train on top of the skirt. Melissa’s skirt is an American bustle. A French-American bustle is an oxymoron and does not exist.

Melissa is wearing a very traditional ballgown to her wedding. It has a very pretty low back and lots of detailing on the train. Based on this dress and zero other information, I’m going to assume she’s getting married in a church. Church brides love a dramatic train. Once again, we do not get a dress credit, but I’m going to make an educated guess and say this is probably Eve of Milady, based on the style of the beading.

The other half of this episode is devoted to a meeting between Claudia and her bosses: Mara, Kleinfeld’s co-owner; Joan, bridal manager; and Elise, Director of Sales. Claudia says that the reason her sales are down is because they are intentionally giving her brides that are shopping for the first time ever. Joan correctly points out that they don’t have access to that information when assigning consultants, and Elise says she will not allow a consultant to dictate who she is and is not assigned to.

Claudia spends this entire meeting talking over her bosses while simultaneously insisting that she is an incredible listener and she’s been meeting her goals. Joan and Elise spend most of this scene in a stunned silence, which, same. Mara kindly points out that Claudia’s sales goals are extremely low because of how bad she’s doing, and meeting those goals is not something to brag about.

Claudia claims that they cannot blame her for one bad month – even though they’re discussing almost a full year of consecutive bad months – and says that even consultants who have been working for 25 years have months where they only make two sales. Mara pulls out the sales records specifically to prove that Claudia is pulling that fact out of her ass, and Claudia says that her point stands. What? You’re just making wild claims with zero evidence and everyone is supposed to trust you?

They all make some incredible faces while Claudia is making bullshit excuses for her behavior, which made me laugh. After the meeting, Mara, Elise, and Joan all say that they have never had a meeting like that in their entire careers. Claudia says that she feels nothing and they should just trust her, because she can sell anything. Babe, that is literally not true. There is a mountain of evidence disproving that exact claim.

I am praying to the Kleinfeld gods that Claudia is fired and I don’t have to deal with her in season 2, but I have a creeping feeling that isn’t the case.

Final Score:

• Manager intevention – +5 points
• Claudia sucks at her job – -7 points
• Engagement story makes me say “YIKES” out loud – +10 points
• No one says yes to a dress?? – -3 points

Total: 5/100

Don’t forget: f you make a TV show called Say Yes To The Dress, you should show at least one person saying yes to the dress. Bye beautiful!